Year of the Rat Predictions
I Gotcha! So when they have nothing else to report, they invite this Feng Shui consultant on so he can give us his predictions. Am I the only shaking my head in disgust? I can't believe they actually gave this guy air-time at all! How incredibly insulting to their viewers. Why don't they just go to Toys-R-Us and buy one of those magic 8-balls? They can start a new segment on CNN called "ask the magic 8-ball" (shake, shake, shake...it says MAY BE...whoooo spooky).
I know when I need advice, I always rush to the nearest interior decorator for their expert opinion. I can think of few people more qualified than an interior decorator to dispense advice. In a pinch, you can always ask the pool-man, or you can ask your neighbors 10-year-old son who always has that dried crust of food encircling his mouth. They are not quite as reliable as the Raymond Lo - Feng Shui guy, but they're running a close second.
So what did our illustrious Feng Shui interior decorator predict for 2008 (the year of the rat)?
1. It is a new beginning
2. A lot of countries changing leadership
3. The young earth is like an iceberg melting in the heat.
4. Weather intensifying this year.
5. Year of rat has history of disaster... Flooding in Ohio Some disaster related to water Earth is weak Collapse of buildings Collapse of bridges
6. 2008 will be more calm than 2007
7. Overall, water will not be as optimistic as fire
8. Stock market will take a downturn in the fall of 2008
9. People should have more successful relationships in 2008
I reckon, at the end of the day, a fortune-telling Feng Shui Chinaman would come in handy. I'm gonna have to get one of 'em. They have all sorts of Chinese imports at WalMart - garments manufactured by slave labor, items manfactured in grotesque working environments that sicken the American companies who subsidize these facilities, toys for your kids painted with lead-based paint or toys for your kids that...when ingested, have the same chemicals you find in date rape drugs. You can buy all this wonderful stuff at WalMart.
I reckon I need to hop up there for a shopping spree, buy myself a fortune-tellin' chinaman. I bet I can buy one cheap. That would be great...to have my own Chinaman Feng Shui expert/interior designer/diviner. He could tell me which stocks to buy, I could have him read over all my contracts and advise me there, I could have him answer the phone and speak chinese to the telemarketers, I could have him perform bizarre ritualized Chinese torture against my enemies, and when he's not doing important magical tapping into the energy of the universe stuff, he can do my laundry, and tell me where to put this damned Ficus. It just doesn't work. It throws the energy of the room into complete chaos. I think I need another Ficus, and I should probably re-paint the walls yellow. I Wonder if I could get a package deal on chinamen. If I buy his wife too, I bet she does manicures and pedicures (don't they all). Mmmm...cushy foot massage and pedicure. That gives me another idea! I wonder if I could buy a Suiss Chocolatier at WalMart too?
It's all tongue-in-cheek. But shouldn't we expect more from our mainstream media. There's nothing more offensive than these cute little human interest nonsense time-wasters. They add insult to injury when their reporter sits there cackling through their ultrabright lumineer capped teeth, cackling, cackling, cackling away like they've just heard the most hilarious quip of their life. Laughter is a beautiful thing. Fake laughter is more repugnant than a $10 crack whore faking an orgasm.
2 comments:
That was great, (genuine laughter) - thanks Mike, for a needed end of the day chuckle.
I think that Chinaman feng shui expert might just be able to tell you where to stick that additional ficus.
I once had an afficionado tell me that I had to keep the toilet seat down at all times lest my positive(fire)energy be absorbed by the open water. I told him that the toilet is my Great Pyrennes' favorite watering hole, and that Scout's water needs trumped my fire ones. I might be living with some bad juju, but at least I have a happy, healthy dog. And, as for recipes for moments of happiness in any year - you just can't beat dogs. Maybe it's really the year of the Rat Terrier?
On a slightly more serious note, the Chinese affinity for superstition - how seriously do they really take it? Would they be offended that my family tradition is to always add onto the end of our fortune cookie fortune the phrase "...in bed"? (This is actually hilarious for all age groups, ...try it.)
I wonder about the evolutionary psychology of the Chinese middle class. What kind of mentality allows, en masse, the kinds of abuses the rulers have imposed? When/how did it shift so dramatically? - (the 80s 90s I think)and where is it going now that China is approaching a more "free", at least in ideas, society?
My personal prediction for the year of the rat and for the future of China is of an influx of good old time religion. "Let's swap ancient superstition for only semi-ancient Western mythology!" The upside is that this ultimately represents progress. Societies' psychologies are reflected in their beliefs. The psychological lure of Christianity is the divine nexus between god, man, and holy ghost. And that 'man', is an individual, not a blank, countless member of the peasantry, but a valued child of God. I just feel a bit worried, that once again, China might find itself on the backside of the continuum. I have an idea! Let's go buy all the magic 8-balls Wal-Mart has in stock, and send them back to whence they came. Made in China. Might help them skip ahead a bit.
I guess you don't buy into home and hearth bringing comfort and solace. I just painted my bedroom a perplexing blue-green color (sometimes it looks blue, sometimes green) and immediately felt calmed. I moved my bed from under a window and onto a wall and have felt solid. Try it out, Michael, before you disregard it as superstition and hilarity.
And don't forget that it IS the year of the Rat, so look out for water damage in and around your abode. That can be a costly expense when the home is not balanced. This advise from an OX.
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